Fallbrookisms

Heard an entertaining — or perhaps horrifying — quip lately, down at the yogurt shop or Main Street Gas or Café des Artistes or Major Market, anywhere? Please share! Email it to kbgressitt@aol.com and let me know if you’d like your name published with it.

•     •     •     •

29 December 2012

It’s been a while. My neighbor’s sign inspired me.

Welcome

•     •     •     •

25 March 2010

Submitted by Tracy, Fallbrook resident since 2006

OK. So I was walking out of Rite Aid two days ago behind these two Hispanic guys when I overheard one say to the other, “If I was a white guy they wouldn’t have asked me for I.D.” Seriously? Can we please get over the race thing already?

Submitted by K-B, Fallbrook resident since 1990

OK. So my kid came home from school one day, talking about the “stupid Spanish kids” on the playground — and my kid is Latina. So yeah, seriously? Can we please get over the race thing already?

Telling Our Tales creative writing workshopper

Writing is like acting on paper

•     •     •     •

18 March 2010

At Café des Artistes

My daughter was in 4-H in Fallbrook — until she learned they eat the animals.

Born-again virgin: I don’t have an artistic bone in my body.
Artist: Would you like one?

Patron 1: I’ve been a serial monogamist for almost twenty-five years.
Patron 2: Why have you done that?
Patron 1: Safety in numbers.

Michael: Some crazy person punched in one of the front windows last night.
Bob: This is California. The lawyer will say the window shouldn’t have been there.

On art exhibits: If you get them drunk and horny, they’ll buy art.

•     •     •     •

25 February 2010

At Café des Artistes

1. I dated this girl once. She said, “You’re an enigma: You waft between deep spirituality and potty humor.”

2. I wonder, did any of your parents’ children survive?

On writing

Natasha,

My courtship with writing has, alas, left her a spinster. Gone is the flower of her youth, barren is her womb. She longs for my attention, sighing as I whisk by, racing from one random pedestrian act to another. I look on her and see the unfulfilled dreams she, a virgin, has carried; the futile burden she has borne interrupted by only an occasional exercise of haiku, a silly trivial limerick, a more promising letter to a friend. Then a tortuous tease of real hope for her via the execution of a carefully crafted and poignant eulogy of a parent or friend causes her to pause, breathless, hoping for her lover to fully engage; knowing what promise lurks, what fecund riches hang nearing the angle of incidence … But alas, her lover, distracted by a trifle, abandons her again for another.

Scott

At Major Market

Shopper 1: What brought you to Fallbrook?
Shopper 2, with a Lithuanian accent: The Communists.

•     •     •     •

18 February 2010

 

At Café des Artistes

Over a large, luscious slice of tiramisu:

Mother: I understand, Sweetie, you want to be appreciated for your full worth.
Daughter: Yes, and for my full girth.

T. Jefferson Parker at a reading for his novel Iron River:

I’ve had a lot of editors, but none I’ve wanted to run away from.

In response to “What do you think of J.D. Salinger?”: I like him. I wish there were more of him to like.

[Literature] forces you to ask a clear question and then shut up and listen.

I’m a writer because my second grade report card said, “Doesn’t work well with others.”

•     •     •     •

10 December 2009

At Fallbrook’s Writers Read

Bestselling author Jan Burke, describing her heritage: I’m half German and half Irish. As my cousin says, we want to rule the world so everyone can drink.

Ms. Burke, illustrating the joys of being able to revise a draft manuscript: If you’re piloting a jet plane, you don’t get a lousy first draft.

At Major Market

Checker, after scanning champagne, caviar, cheese and bread: Having a party?
Customer: Nope. Having a moment.

A week’s worth of Sheriff’s log for Fallbrook

20 Nov.

S. Mission Rd.   Comm’l burglary
Porter St.   Death/suicide
W. Clemmens Ln.   Stolen vehicle
Rainbow Glen Rd.   Grand theft
E. Alvarado St.   Fraud/ID theft

21 Nov.

Potter St.   Spousal abuse
Felicidad   Spousal abuse
De Luz/Murrieta Rd.   Grand theft
Ammunition Rd.   Vehicle burglary
S. Main Ave.   Shoplifting
Via Casitas   Death
E. Alvarado St.   Possession of marijuana
S. Main Ave.   Arrest/receiving stolen prop.

22 Nov.

W. Aviation Rd.   Trespassing, poss. drug paraphernalia
Retreat Ct.   Missing juvenile
Calle Caralene   Stolen vehicle
Alturas Rd.   Spousal abuse
S. Vine St.   Possession of stolen property
Cookie Ln.   Vehicle burglary
Willow Glen Rd.   Vehicle burglary

23 Nov.

El Caminito   Assault with attempt to rape
De Luz Rd.   Possession of marijuana
Reche Rd.   Curfew violation/juvenile
E. Alvarado St.   Petty theft
Gum Tree Ln.   Annoying phone calls
E. Fallbrook St.   Residential burglary
E. Fallbrook St.   Residential burglary
S. Wisconsin Ave.   Death
De Luz Rd.   Vandalism
De Luz Rd.   Possession of marijuana
Sweetgrass Ln.   Family disturbance
Pala Lake Dr.   Spousal abuse
Potter St.   Under influence drugs/alcohol
De Luz Rd.   Vehicle burglary
Alturas Rd.   Vehicle vandalism

24 Nov.

Lake Circle Dr.   Fraud/ID theft
Old River Rd.   Fraud, grand theft
Gird Rd.   Burglary in progress
N. Vine   Under influence drugs/alcohol
Ridge Pl.   Residential burglary
El Caminito   Residential burglary
S. Mission Rd.   Petty theft
E. Alvarado St.   Armed robbery, kidnapping

25 Nov.

Ammunition Rd.   Residential burglary
Ammunition Rd.   Residential burglary
Wrightwood Rd.   Recover stolen vehicle
Del Cielo Este   Violation of restraining order
N. Main Ave.   Under influence drugs/alcohol

26 Nov.

Felicidad Dr.   Weapons surrendered
Amigos Way   Grand theft
E. Alvarado St.   Petty theft
W. Mission Rd.   DUI, evading officer

•     •     •     •

03 December 2009

At Café des Artistes

Customer 1: You know Andy Rooney, from 60 Minutes?
Customer 2: Not in the biblical sense.
Customer 3: Andy Rooney? That’s kind of gross.

Robert, on his blog

I just like to show the vulnerability of my perch.

A joke worth repeating

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground, elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are on a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

•     •     •     •

26 November 2009

Questionable things said in Fallbrook this week

Some men like big thighs.
I hope my husband is one of them.
You should have married an African-American.
Hmmm, is that racist?

I always say to Obama haters, you should only half hate him — he’s only half black.

I could have danced all night.
That’s what the pregnant ballerina said.

Sarah Palin has more power than anyone: She got Oprah to give up her show.

 

Fallbrook is dying. We’re moving to Oceanside.

•     •     •     •

20 November 2009

Heard at church coffee hour

First church lady:  …so you have to shave poodle puppies because they have hair, not fur.
Second church lady: What’s the difference?
First CL: Well, fur stops growing when it’s reached a certain length — like your eyebrows — and hair just goes on getting longer — like the hair on your head.
Second CL:  So which is pubic hair?
First CL: Uh… It’s fur.
Third CL: A good thing. Otherwise it’d be down to our knees.
First CL: Braided?
(Third CL chokes on her coffee.)

Heard at a Fallbrook AA meeting

There are two things I hate: religious intolerance and Buddhists.

•     •     •     •

13 November 2009

Roscoe McGuire RoscoeMcGuire2

Neighbor, message bearer,

and blessed with the

best jokes in town

FirstChristianChurch

•     •     •     •

05 November 2009

Victim Advocacy Fallbrook style

Village News story about an apparently unstable man attacking a Major Market checker elicited the following response from a reader, writing under the name “Victim’s Advocate”: I think Sam Logan [the market’s owner] and Anthony Duarte [the checker] have grounds for a lawsuit. This man should have never been released from the hospital unless it was to be transferred to jail.

Budget Management Fallbrook style

The story indicated the alleged attacker was upset about the cost of his groceries, spurring the following from another reader dubbed “Cranky”: Who can blame the guy for being mad about his grocery bill? I cringe every time I get rung up there too. I usually just say thanks and hang my head low as I push my cart out though. Attacking the clerk just never occurred to me, until now, but I think I’ll pass.

Diagnostics Fallbrook style

Reader “mom of lots” rendered the following diagnosis: I agree that he should be jailed and while he is there, have him see a psychiatrist. I personally think he has more of an issue with rage and lack of self-control, then a “mental health” issue.

•     •     •     •

29 October 2009

Fallbrook marital relations

To: Sgt. Goodmarine
From: Steve Husband
CC: K-B Gressitt

Sgt Goodmarine,

I left my check for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball with the LtCol.

I would like a prime rib meal; and my wife would like a veg meal.

My wife’s name is K-B Gressitt — I know — the feminist thing.

Thanks for taking care of us. We’ll see you at the ball. SF, Steve

From: K-B Gressitt
To: Steve Husband

Ah, that commentary were unnecessary.

Love, K-B

At the Café des Artistes

Patron 1: I was in charge of six toilets at OCS, at Quantico (Marine Corps Officer Candidate School).
Patron 2: Busy toothbrush, huh?
Patron 1: Hey, I took care of them. I named them!

•     •     •     •

22 October 2009

Inscribed in the sidewalk on the northeast corner of Main and Fallbrook Streets

Wilma Ponzo is alive and stoned in Fallbrook.

Overheard at coffee

Menopause? Try meno-dead stop.

On vegetables

Hungry editor: I was just desperate for vegetables; like, if I didn’t have a vegetable real soon, I was going to kill somebody.

Dan: I’ve gotten some weird shaped tubers out of the ground.
Jim: I don’t think I’m old enough to know that.

•     •     •     •

15 October 2009

On Fallbrook flight

I have a definition for an airpark: Don’t even think about landing that big-ass jet here.   – Darlene

On the economy

I wouldn’t want to be seen buying a lottery ticket — it’d be like a Christian buying a condom.  – Jim

On N.O.W.

The problem with N.O.W. is they don’t know which fork to use. – Jane

On dating

If you can’t keep up with their names, you’re probably ready for monogamy.  – Andrew

On narcissism

What was he doing — comforting you because he felt badly?  – Kathleen

On poetry

Unfortunately, for some reason, poetry depresses me.    – Anonymous

•     •     •     •

08 October 2009

Things people have said in Fallbrook

Vendor: He asked for assaulted bagels. I figured he must be from New York.

Kathleen: That’s the epitome of something.

Jim: Working with you is cheaper than therapy.

Scott: At our table, you could get away with saying just about anything — as long as you said it with style.

Mary: I just open my mouth and say whatever I think.
K-B: That’s such an unappreciated pleasure.

 

Michael: I had two sisters in the restaurant yesterday. One had the hot tomato soup and the other had the cold tomato soup. You bet I was all over that!

•     •     •     •

01 October 2009

Out and about Fallbrook town

Cemetery employee: For some, life after death is a matter of faith. For me, it’s policy.

Teacher: What does it mean to be esteemed?
Student: It means to be a teakettle.

Principal: Where are you getting this stuff?
Resource teacher: I’m taking a special ed law class.
Principal: Can’t you just take basket weaving?

Anonymous: He’s got a personality like a lox.

•     •     •     •

24 September 2009

Over easy breakfast

We’ve agreed on marriage, but I don’t want to live with him. Who wants to live with a man?

He’s a Sicilian hunk, gorgeous, dark, delicious. But unfortunately, he has a mother.

My mother used to tell me UPS was a company that picked up bad boys. Now, whenever I see a UPS truck, it makes me squirm.

Said the pear-shaped woman to her shapely sister-in-law: Bitch.

I walk every day, but I don’t know how to exercise the bags under my eyes.

•     •     •     •

17 September 2009

From Fallbrook’s Writers Read

The dirtiest poem is the poem you know you need to write but don’t. … And once it’s written, it won’t be dirty anymore.    —Brandon Cesmat, featured author

Over the next few days, I committed some accidental murders.    —youthful fiction

Desperately seeking more translation of the Village News

[O]ur elementary school district in Fallbrook flaunts the whole [bilingual] idea by putting up their signs in front of the schools in Spanish. We want them to speak English! The signage this month says “Augusto,” not “August!” Shame on you.      —Gloria Seelye

Area residents can celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month at Fallbrook Library September 11 from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. … They will enjoy a mariachi concert, light snacks of pan dulce and aguas frescas.                      —article flaunting bilingualism

Art Center unveils new restroom with gallery        —headline

•     •     •     •

10 September 2009

On Main Street

Shopper 1: How’s the new farmer’s market
Shopper 2: Plenty of tchotchkes, but the farmer’s failed to show.

Desperately seeking translation of the Village News

Throughout the interrogations, [Sheriff’s Deputy] Lauhon noted that the individuals involved in the [rage party] ring all had an “anti-rich people” attitude.    —article excerpt

Both British and Dutch socialized healthcare plans provide methods of eliminating Grandpa and Grandma and one provision in Obama’s healthcare plan gives that kind of power to government appointees.                —Archie McPhee

The commercialization of medicine is a worldwide opportunity for America’s taxpayers to reduce their costs for and access to cutting-edge technologies through profits derived from foreign sales.    —Tom Casey

Frustration the key to business success     —headline

•     •     •     •

03 September 2009

On Main Street

Fallbrookian 1: I was shopping for a new vacuum at Village Vac & Sew. Can you believe it? My husband was actually complaining about our crummy vacuum.
Fallbrookian 2: No kidding! … The world must be coming to an end.

On War and Peace

Jim: I read War and Peace in my 20s … actually, my 20s and 30s.

On the proposed Liberty Quarry

Opponent 1: The guy from the quarry was talking about all the things they were going to do for us, to protect wildlife, all the, ah, all the –
Opponent 2: All the bribes?

•     •     •     •

27 August 2009

From Café des ArtistesCafeDesArtistesMural

Customer: May I take a picture of the mural?
Proprietor: You’re actually asking? You’re not from Fallbrook, are you?

Manhood in the Art Center parking lot

License plate frame: Fight like a man — get on your knees and pray.

A stunningly tacky political sticker:

YesOn8Sticker

•     •     •     •

20 August 2009

From Café des Artistes

An insult attributed to John Bright: He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
Michael: That sounds like one of our regulars.

Customer 1: Hey, I saved this letter to the editor for you. It’ll make you angry.
Customer 2: Thanks? … Hmmm. … He writes, ”I don’t think for a minute that our law-abiding, tax-paying, home-owning population is responsible for the trash on the roads, shopping carts left all over our community, yard sales along Main Street or laundry drying on fences along Fallbrook Street. … I am not a bigot, but…” I guess he doesn’t know what that means.

Phone banking for healthcare insurance reform

Volunteer: Are you familiar with President Obama’s three core principles for reforming healthcare?
Fallbrook voter: What’s a core principle?

•     •     •     •

06 August 2009

A not-so friendly debate from Fallbrook the Friendly Village on President Obama’s healthcare insurance reform effort

From: usocialist@live.com
To: Undisclosed group of Fallbrook healthcare reform activists from Organizing for America
Subject: Obama whores. “yes master”
Message: blank

From: One of the healthcare reform activists
To: usocialist@live.com
Subject: Re: Obama whores. “yes master”
Message: I realize you are unable to consider an opinion different from your own, but please respect me enough to delete me from your email list. I am not a whore.

From: usocialist@live.com
To: One of the healthcare reform activists
Subject: Re: Re: Obama whores. “yes master”
Message: You are projecting yourself onto me by saying that I do not consider different opinions. I have considered the truth and the truth is you are wrong. History proves it. Obama is wrong also, but you do not care because he is your master. Do some research and you will see. But you will not.

Editorial note: Huh?

•     •     •     •

30 July 2009

From Fallbrook’s local paper

Headline: Ravers invade vacant home; throw 2-day bash

Letter to the editor from Fallbrook visitors: … For a community that built its reputation on being the “Avocado Capitol of California,” … not seeing any avocado fruit stands at all was very surprising and very disappointing. We ended up buying a net of avocados from CostCo.

Some of the folks who commented on the letter might also be consider ravers.

From Café des Artistes

Bob: Do some people think I’m eccentric?
Michael: No, Bob, everyone thinks you’re eccentric.

•     •     •     •

23 July 2009

From Claes  A friend of mine (French no less) once said this is not a country; it is an amusement park.
From a forwarded Fallbrookian  Might this apply to Fallbrook?

From Brett  One of the nice things about living in a small town: When you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does.

Forwarded by Fallbrook MAMMA Kim

Joan Rivers: Gay marriage, I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

•     •     •     •     •

16 July 2009

 

Bob’s world

Bob: What I want for the Middle East is nothing taller than a scorched scorpion.

Bob: Did you know Diana Vreeland wrote to Hitler? To complain the SS weren’t fashionable.

Bob: I’ve been taping most of your conversations.
Brett: With duct tape?

A kitchen conversation

Guest 1: My first psychiatrist said I’m totally bipolar. My second one said I’m completely normal.
Guest 2: These psychological classifications are just insane.

•     •     •     •     •

25 June 2009

On Main Street

Proprietor: I’m going out of business.
Customer: Oh, I’m sorry!
P: Don’t be. It’s on to the next adventure.
C: What are you going to do?
P: Open a house of ill repute.
C: Oh, good. Fallbrook needs a little livening up.

From a recuperating Fallbrookian

At least the pain is manageable now — as long as I don’t talk too much or do anything strenuous. This has been good and bad for my husband. I am quieter, but we are reduced to hallway sex. We pass each other in the hallway, and I say “Screw you.” He says, “Screw you, too.” I say. “Was it good for you?” He says, “Oh baby, oh baby.”

•     •     •     •     •

18 June 2009

 

At Café des Artistes

Patron 1: We need more love in this town.
Patron 2: Love is for pansies.

On Main Street

Woman eating gelato: I love your bumper sticker.
Woman wishing she was eating gelato: Which one?
First woman: Don’t Be Gaycist — equality for all is patriotic. Don’t see much of that in Fallbrook.

•     •     •     •     •

11 June 2009

At JJ Purty’s Pub

Patron: I say torture anyone who blows up people.

From MAMMA

Mother 1: When some people heard about my daughter being gay, they said, “Where’d that come from?”
Mother 2: Oh, like she picked it up at 7-Eleven?

Church Billboard

Man’s opinions are no substitute for God’s words.

Editor’s note: And God is love.

•     •     •     •     •

27 May 2009

Heard at Major Market

Shopper 1: Did you hear the court upheld Prop. 8?
Shopper 2: Prop what?
Shopper 3: Did I hear? Oh, yeah, I heard — I got two text messages, half a dozen emails and three phone calls. How can these homophobes not see it’s an equal rights issue? How can they not see that? What is the matter with these people? Are they so insecure, so hateful that they have to trounce other people’s fundamental rights? How can they force the rest of us to take such a damn leap backward? And I can’t even seek comfort at church, because my idiot pastor is one of them! Well he can just suck on his empty collection plate. That’s it for me. I’m not giving one more red cent to bigots. God, I wish I was gay!

•     •     •     •     •

14 May 2009

At Café des Artistes

Brett: I know a girl who went out with the Lakers.
Everyone in the Café: All of them?!

Fallbrook’s Writers Read, featuring author T. Jefferson Parker

Jeff’s agent, reporting that he’d sold his second novel, outlined on a cocktail napkin for his editor: “Congratulations, we’ve sold the napkin!”

On the writing process: “I really don’t know what I’m doing ahead of time. It’s not execution of a plan; it’s a journey of discovery.”

And where does Jeff do his writing? “I waddle out to my metal building. … It’s my man room.”

•     •     •     •     •

07 May 2009

Billboard at First Christian Church

Don’t take tomorrow to bed with you.
– Norman Vincent Peale

Editor’s note: In 1960, representing a group of Protestant clergymen opposed to the election of John F. Kennedy as president, Peale also said, “Faced with the election of a Catholic, our culture is at stake.”

At Café des Artistes

Michael: I don’t put any shit on my body.
Bob: You said you don’t put ape shit on your body?
Michael: That would be better than cologne.

Bob: Hope springs eternal when the orthopedist tells you can’t have, ah–
Michael: Sex?

•     •     •     •     •

30 April 2009

From Fallbrook’s Baskin-Robbins

Clerk: Straight Talk Crunch is, like, our Republican ice cream.
Customer: What’s the Democratic ice cream?
Clerk: That’s Whirl of Change. We’re out of it — it was really popular.

From a Fallbrook toddler

Tomorrow, when I grow up, I’ll stop doing that.

Over a cup of coffee

My time for promiscuity was so long ago, I forgot I ever was.

From a writer seeking publication

I don’t know how disposed you are toward publishing stylistic oddities, but–

•     •     •     •     •

23 April 2009

A bumper sticker

Don’t vote; it only encourages them.

A writer

My wife says my writing gives her a headache

A reader

K-B was born with Roget’s Thesaurus in her mouth — and she’s never recovered.

A sign

potterjrhigh

•     •     •     •     •

16 April 2009

Overheard at the old Mail Boxes, Etc.

She: Men don’t listen.
He: Men don’t listen to women.

Bumper stickers adorning a single car parked off Main Street

Don’t blame me
I voted for Sarah

We the people say
DRILL NOW!

Sarah Palin
A hero for REAL women

You can keep “the change”
Palin 2012

and a National Rifle Association emblem

•     •     •     •     •

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

09 April 2009

From a Fallbrook yard

My greatest frustration is I can’t take other people’s manuscripts in the hot tub.

Heard around town

He: Why do you suppose blond jokes are all one-liners?
She: So you guys can remember them.

In Major Market

After one shopper delivered a long and colorful rant about the recent G20 summit in London, another shopper asked, “What’s a G20 summit?”

From a local teen

The difference between racism and homophobia is when you’re black, you don’t have to break it to your parents.

•     •     •     •     •

02 April 2009

From Eileen G., many moons ago

The fundamental difference between men and women is not what’s between the legs but what’s between the ears.

On a church billboard

Happiness is the byproduct of obedience.

From Village European Auto

Customer 1: I like the Obama and No on Prop. 8 bumper stickers on that GMC. Liberals are few and far between in Fallbrook.
Customer 2: Not few and far between enough!

A belly dancer at Heritage Hall

I must be veil impaired!

•     •     •     •     •

26 March 2009

Fallbrook, new and old

I don’t understand poetry, but I do understand coffee and pastries.
– Jane, on poetry readings

If you use my letter, I would prefer my name be printed “J.T.” because my dad says using my real name could hurt his business. Wow, if that isn’t a Fallbrook attitude!
– J.T.

Oh, dear heart, you are becoming your mother!
– A mother

On a 1994 visit to Fallbrook

We’ve been married 45 years; we’re divorcing when the children die.
– Tillman

•     •     •     •     •

19 March 2009

Coffee at Café des Artistes

1.
Patron 1: Have you ever been married?
Patron 2: Yes, twice. One was really, really short.
Proprietor: And one was really, really tall?

2.
Patron 2: A wise woman said there’s no healthy way to avoid grieving.
Patron 3: Is this like Confucius?
Patron 1: Are you confused?

3.
George: I always look for the life in things; when things seem bleak and barren, why waste energy on being sad – I look for the life.
Brett: How refreshing, a young man with insight.

•     •     •     •     •

12 March 2009

From Writers Read at Café des Artistes

1.
Betty: I don’t want to be any sort of an icon.
David and Patty: But you are one!
Betty: Oh shit!

2.
Taylor: Just because people are nice, doesn’t mean they are innocent.

3.
Server: I’m a server. I serve people.
Customer: Do you have bigger aspirations?
Server: Is there a bigger career than service?

•     •     •     •     •

05 March 2009

Fallbrook dog owner

There’s no sense in trying to get a dog to lose weight in Fallbrook — theyjust go out in the grove and eat another five avocados.

Heard in a Fallbrook store

My sister’s funeral is Saturday. She’s not dead yet, but they went ahead and scheduled it.

Two bumper stickers on the same car on Main Street

I support Greenpeace
I graduated Ditto Cum Laude from Rush Limbaugh Institute

Heard about town

The probmen with Fallbrook is that it was settled by Midwesterners, and it’s gone downhill ever since. … No, no! Just kidding!                               – Anonymous

•     •     •     •     •

26 February 2009

Bumper sticker outside Fallbrook Street School

Shut your mouth, open your mind

At Café des Artistes

Bob: The owner of the company I worked for in New York kept 24-hour security guards.
K-B: The owner of a company I worked for kept women.

Samuel Beckett not quite accurately quoted in a Fallbrook High classroom

Every word is an unnecessary stain on the silence and nothingness.

The actual quote: Writing becomes not easier, but more difficult for me. Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.

•     •     •     •     •

19 February 2009

Another Fallbrook joke (perhaps funny only in Fallbrook)

Q: What’s the only thing that scares the Jolly Green Giant?
A: Avocado pickers.

In the produce aisle at Major Market

He: Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.
She: I’ve been writing my ass off. Oh rats (she looks over her shoulder), it’s still there.
He: (Remains in perplexed silence.)

Palomar College Spanish class at Fallbrook High

Student 1: Some students can’t do the online work because they don’t have computers at home.
Student 2: Sure they do. Everyone has a computer. Those kids are just slackers. (She gestures to the corner where a group of Latino students sit.)
Student 1: How do you know which students I’m talking about?

•     •     •     •     •

12 February 2009

Bumper sticker at First Baptist Church

Global warming is a hoax

Bumper sticker at Fallbrook Post Office

An image of Buddha seated in the vitarka mudrā position, decorating the bumper of a BMW X5 luxury SUV, 2009 model starting at $46,000-plus

At Café des Artistes

Michael: Looks like the New York Times is going after Obama.
Bob: The New York Times is going bankrupt. Advertisers won’t use it. It’s a commie, socialist, lefty, pinko, spineless, delirious, diarrhetic verbosity.

And for a change of topic

J: I’m taking a drawing class.
K: Drawing what?
B: Conclusions.

•     •     •     •     •

05 February 2009

Bumper sticker at the Fallbrook Post Office

God is just pretend

Overheard at Trupiano’s

There’s a massage parlor right across from the Vista courthouse. I see the gals hanging outside, smoking. I think they do massages with a happy ending.

It’s a plot

Editor: Sentimentality and cowardice are the only things keeping me at this publishing house.
Writer: Sounds like my marriage.

•     •     •     •     •

29 January 2009

From the January Fallbrook’s Writers Read

You can’t learn to write from reading Moby Dick; you can just learn that you’re not Herman Melville.– Author Jincy Willett

If you are rejected, the only thing that matters is that they rejected you. If they give you a reason, don’t listen to it.– Author Jincy Willett

Writer’s lament

Before computers, it took me six months to be accepted by my first agent. Now, with email, I can get three rejections before lunch. – Poet and Author Kate Harding

•     •     •     •     •

22 January 2009

Upon seeing 20 people at a Fallbrook inauguration party

Guest: Wow, are all these people Democrats?!
(Ed. note: To put this issue to rest, more than 46% of Fallbrook voters are Democrats.)

From the Country Farmhouse regarding the Obama inauguration

Patron 1: I’m feeling very hopeful.
Patron 2: Just get ready, he’s ignorant and has never achieved anything.
Patron 1: Wow. You don’t really mean that, right?
Patron 3: I think he’s evil and won’t make it through the day.

Overheard at Café des Artistes

How did I end up in social solitary confinement? I moved to Fallbrook.

•     •     •     •     •

14 January 2009

From a mid-1980s demographic study

People come to Fallbrook to hide.

It’s a party!

Every Democrat I meet in Fallbrook claims to be the only one. – Anon. Dem.

Does love limit liberty?

Man: If you sleep with a woman three times in a row, she thinks she owns you. – FF
Woman: If you let a man sleep with you once, he feels you belong to him. – CB

From an old colleague

Nice to hear from you K-B! … Hope you aren’t puckering too often…

•     •     •     •     •

07 January 2009

Wednesday morning at Café des Artistes

B: Look at this. It proves — proves — that Obama was born in Mombasa, and where else but Globe magazine.
M: Where do they get these stories?
B: Oh, people call in.
M: People like you?

D: Maybe I shouldn’t tell Bob I’m re-reading Brokeback Mountain.

K: I was researching S&M and found some videos of women in stilettos walking on men’s chests. …
D: Think of that — an S&M night in Fallbrook.
B: I see myself sucking on stilettos.

•     •     •     •     •

05 January 2009

Two three-year-old girls with their mother/aunt and a stranger in line at Fallbrook Post Office:

Girl 1: I have a new purse.
Stranger: That’s lovely.
Girl 2: You’re talking to a stranger.
Mother: It’s OK, I’m here.
Girl 2: I’m afraid of monsters!
Girl 1: Call me; I’ll take care of you.
– K-B

He: I want to be friends
She: If you want to be friends, then you have to be friendly.  – Anon.

•     •     •     •     •

03 January 2009

Overheard at Blue Heron Gallery from an elderly matron:

“Well now that they got one in, I never want to hear ever again about blacks and their problems.”

“You sure you want to put blue lights up? People will say, ‘There’s the Jew.’”

Old Fallbrook joke

Farmer 1: Hey friend, how much you gettin for your avocados?
Farmer 2: Bout fifty bucks a cord.

•     •     •     •     •

31 December 2008

Witnessed at Major Market:

 

 

 

 

 

Woman sitting at one end of a bench, young girl having a rather enthusiastic tantrum on the other end, her mother standing next to her, and the mother yells between the daughter’s shrieks, “And the old lady doesn’t like your attitude either!”

From the Book Nook:

“He sure doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” – drunken customer speaking about Nobel Prize winner Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth

“Those blacks still want us to feel guilty.”  – another customer commenting on President-elect Barack Obama

“You will be missed.”  – innumerable regular wonderful customers

In line at Fallbrook Post Office:

Patron 1: Isn’t it great to live in a town where you know the clerks at the post office?
Patron 2: Yes, and a fine bunch of eccentrics they are!

•     •     •     •     •

30 December 2008

A little holiday cheer

“Love limits liberty.”  – a church marquee

“Fallbrook is the Midwest of the West.”  – Peter F.

“My neighborhood is a hotbed of cold fish.”  – Anon.

The mortgage debacle up close and personal

Friend 1: My brother and his boys are moving in with me.
Friend 2: Make him change his socks on a regular basis if you’re all living that closely together.
Friend 1: I’ll be focussing my efforts on the toilet seat.
Friend 2: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

One of those mother-daughter moments

Daughter: Chihuahuas are creepy. And the people who own them are creepy.
Mother: Do we know anyone who has a chihuahua?
Daughter: Oh shit, we do.
Mother: That’s creepy.