On Tuesday’s election

We got so many calls from Steve Poizner [Republican gubernatorial candidate], I figured he was having an affair with someone in the house. But my husband said it wasn’t him.

The four San Diego County candidates who ran for judge because God told them to must have misinterpreted him — they all lost. It’s one of those Fundamentalists are from Mars, God is from Venus sort of things.

Over martinis: Don’t you know any single Marines? I need to be ravaged.

Mother: Last night, after eating pig snouts and sauerkraut, I watched a dwarf in a medieval costume hawk ale to the college students outside my hotel. Oddly cynical.
Daughter: That might be the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.

Read more Fallbrookisms…

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

The volume of campaign collateral littering my mailbox confirms that Tuesday 08 June is indeed California’s primary election: I’m buried in the noxious stuff. So far, our mixed-party household has received fifty-eight pieces of propaganda from candidates, special-interest ballot measure sponsors and for-profit slate-mailing scoundrels who promote whichever campaigns are willing to pay (one of the truly heinous banes of democracy … as are many candidates). And every piece of the dogmatic toilet paper is urging us to vote as its propagators see fit.

For your disgus— ah, entertainment, I’ve selected a few choice examples.

Let’s start with Joel Anderson. A seated assemblyman, Joel wants to fill Fallbrook’s termed-out State Senator Dennis Hollingsworth’s homophobic shoes. The candidate sent us nine pieces of propaganda explaining why “Liberals Hate Joel Anderson.” He apparently considers this a stellar endorsement.

Yet, I’m a liberal and I don’t know enough about him to hate him. Yet.

I reviewed his pieces for some redeeming virtue and read that he “took the fight to terrorists.”

“Cool,” I thought, “he’s a vet, just like my dear husband!” But I searched and searched, and Joel reports neither military service nor battlefield contractor status, which means he in fact did not see the armed conflict most reasonable people would have interpreted his message as suggesting.

I feel jilted, Joel. You try to woo me to your camp and then you spurn me with deception. I hope no one who really did take the fight to the terrorists gets her or his battle-hardened hands within reach of your wannabe-warrior neck. But, because I’m not such a bad person for a liberal, I’ll help you out a little by hiding your misleading brochures from my infantryman husband. After that, you’re on your own, buster. Time to atone.

Oh — there is a clincher: Joel quotes Glen Beck, whom he mistakenly identifies as a talk show host, but who is actually an alien televangelist fleeing scandal in a galaxy far, far away. Glen says of Joel, “I wish there were more people like you. Thank you, sir, for getting it.” I wonder who got what from whom. …

As for us, we got plenty of propaganda from Proposition 16 sponsors — enough to paper the powder room. At first glance it seems an easy “Yes.” Who wouldn’t want to “Protect Our Right to Vote” — the propaganda’s claim?

The power industry, that’s who. The very manipulators who brought us the California energy crisis of 2000-2001, the perpetrators of ever-increasing utility rates exceeded only by their profits, want voters to believe that they are trying to help us.

But, if you read the teensy print — that plain-black stuff they bury at the bottom of their star-spangled propaganda so folks won’t notice it — you’ll see that Pacific Gas and Electric (PG&E) is financing Prop 16. This is because PG&E wants to prevent public utility providers (as in “nonprofits”) from competing with them (as in “profit pigs”).

What is most gross about Prop 16 is that PG&E is usurping our citizen ballot initiative process to protect their monopoly from public utilities. That is, this huge honking corporation is using the very tool the voters adopted in 1911 to stop big business from controlling our state, and PG&E’s Prop 16 would amend our California Constitution to require a two-thirds vote for public entities, such as municipalities, to become energy providers.

And there’s one more dirty trick PG&E pulled: They slapped a bunch of Democratic candidates’ mugs on a slate-mailer endorsing Prop 16, which the Democrats oppose. Although it happens every election cycle, this is really bad form, buckos. PG&E, you are dirty rotten mendacious bastards! And even I am surprised by who agrees with me — check out this list!

Next to PG&E’s cynicism, the slate of four Christian attorneys who want to be judges seems almost mainstream: Craig Candelore, Harold Coleman Jr., Larry “Jake” Kincaid and Bill Trask are on a mission from God to run for San Diego County Superior Court judgeships.

Under the red-white-and-blue banner of BetterCourtsNow.com, the four candidates seem, well, red-white-and-blue. What they fail to reveal to site visitors is that God told them to run. You’d think with an endorsement like that, they’d be blasting it to the heavens.

Could it be they are suffering a crisis of faith? But sins of omission are still sins, so we can only hope they let God out of the closet before Tuesday. Or maybe they’ll call on their backer, El Cajon Gun Exchange, to nudge voters out to the polls.

There are a couple other little agenda items they also fail to share on the website, including their ultimate goal of a Christian takeover of government at every level and their opposition to abortion rights and same-sex marriage.

That’s a hell of an agenda, boys, but I have to warn you: My invisible friend told me not to vote for you all.

We’ll have to wait until Tuesday night to see whose deity wins. In the meantime, I can at least be thankful for the free TP.

Love,
K-B

The League of Women Voters operates a great searchable source of nonpartisan candidate and ballot measure information: SmartVoter.org.

©2010 Kit-Bacon Gressitt

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

Outside your local grocery store, a fellow wearing a bedraggled Santa Claus hat stands by a folding table festooned with political slogans. As he fumbles five or six clipboards, you’re thinking you wouldn’t want him dating your daughter, and then he thrusts a clipboard into your path.

“Wanna sign this initiative petition to protect local voter control?” he asks. “Or how about stopping sexual predators? Or religious freedom — do you support religious freedom? Just sign here.”

Religious freedom is a little iffy these days, with all the folks who demand it for themselves while they condemn the rest of us to sizzle in hell in perpetuity. So you look a little closer and read that what the initiative would actually do is exempt Bible-based speech from California’s current hate speech restrictions. This means all those charmers from Kansas’ Westboro Baptist Church, who haunt military funerals and communities across the country with signs that read “Thank God for Dead Soldiers,” “God Hates Jews” and “God Hates Fags,” could incite violence in California with their epithets — sans repercussions.

“Well, now, that’s misleading,” you say, “and gross.” But the petitioner is busy pushing a clipboard at someone else.

So you take a look at the petition for stopping sexual predators. Those bastards sure need to be stopped — with extreme prejudice. Problem is, you start reading it and discover the sexual predator language is a front for the next in a long line of failed biennial attempts to force parental notification of abortion on pregnant teens and their healthcare providers.

“You know, you should be calling this what it is, a parental notification proposal.”

“Huh?” he replies dully.

You decide you wouldn’t even want him dating your worst enemy’s daughter. Nonetheless, you check out the local voter control initiative, because you suspect you and your fellow bucolic burg dwellers couldn’t do any worse than the state legislature. You ask the dullard how local control will be accomplished.

He says, “Uh, it’s complicated. Er, I don’t know, and I have to keep moving — I get paid by the signature.”

“If it’s such a good idea, can’t we get volunteers to collect signatures — Fallbrook volunteers from among Fallbrook voters?” you ask. “And how can you represent something you don’t understand?”

Now you’re a little suspicious, so you ask who’s paying him to gather signatures, who’s funding the campaigns, and he says, “They don’t tell us that stuff.”

“Well, I have a right to know, don’t I?” you mutter as he ignores you to body block the next shopper before he makes it to the grocery store door.

And this is much of what’s wrong with California’s initiative process.

The grassroots citizen initiative was adopted in 1911 in response to the common perception that rail and land barons controlled the state legislature, neglecting the needs and will of the citizenry. The California Constitution defines the electors’ right to propose and vote on constitutional amendments or statutes, bypassing the state legislature and going directly to a vote of the people. “Direct democracy” it’s called, and though it’s a highly valued concept, it has degenerated to a big business that caters to moneyed special- and single-interest groups (often from outside of California), whose proposals range from the cynically ridiculous to the ridiculously complex. In a recent interview, former State Senator Lucy Killea, who worked on an unsuccessful initiative reform effort while in office in the 1990s, explained why reform is so important.

“It’s become commercialized. You’re not getting people voting for an initiative because they want it or because they’re informed on the issue, but because there’s a young man at the grocery store with a whole list of things. Some of these people will have eight or nine different measures — some of them even opposing each other. It’s really too bad. It’s become a business for people; they treat it as a business. It’s the buying of votes.”

To Killea’s point, the examples reflected above are actual initiatives: the Local Voter Control and Government Accountability Act — enjoy reading its 10 pages of statutese; the Parental Notification, Child and Teen Safety, and Stop Predators Act, the introductory letter for which is signed by a John Smith without an address, a probable cover for Jim Holman, publisher of the San Diego Reader, who just can’t leave it alone; and the Religious Freedom Act, intended to “secure and perpetuate the blessings of Almighty God for the people of California.” You can read more about this initiative’s sponsors at YesJesusIsLord.org.

These initiatives are only three of a whopping 91 submitted to date to the California Attorney General’s Office for 2010 elections. Of the 91, four have qualified for the June or November 2010 ballots by acquiring the necessary number of valid signatures, four failed to qualify, three were withdrawn, 37 are in circulation, and the rest are pending.

In the meantime, those initiatives primarily funded by something other than grassroots supporters have incurred costs that are making money for members of the initiative campaign elite, commonly known as the “Initiative Industrial Complex” — political and campaign consultants, attorneys, list brokers, and firms that specialize in petition signature gathering, media, polling, public relations and direct mail. Most often, only those initiatives wrung through the complex actually make it to the ballot — the others don’t have the money to pay for such success.

But wouldn’t it be nice if success actually looked like volunteers — from California — who believe in the issues they’re promoting; independent judicial review of proposed initiatives — to weed out the idiotic, hateful and deceitful initiatives; online petition signing — to cut out at least some of the Initiative Industrial Complex money grubbers; and full disclosure of initiatives’ sponsors and contributors.

Until that vision is achieved, beware what you sign.

Although, as luck would have it, there is an initiative-reform initiative coming to your grocery store soon, the “Grass Roots Initiative Reform Act.” But if that one’s too esoteric for you, you could always consider the 2010 California Marriage Protection Act. It’s not another Prop. 8 diatribe against gay marriage; it is writer John Marcotte’s satirical response to the proposition. He has jumped into the “protect marriage” revival tent by proposing to “safeguard marriage from the evils of divorce.”

Marcotte’s campaign website is laugh-out-loud funny — but yet another scream for initiative reform.

Love,
K-B

©2009 Kit-Bacon Gressitt

(Westboro Baptist Church image via a Creative Commons license. Marriage graphic courtesy of RescueMarriage.org.)

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

On November 20, a group of self-described “prominent Christian clergy, ministry leaders and scholars” held a press conference to announce their new manifesto, the “Manhattan Declaration: A Call of Christian Conscience.”

The manifesto was written by Chuck Colson, founder of Prison Fellowship Ministries and one of the folks convicted of misbehavior related to the Watergate caper; Dr. Robert George, on leave from Princeton University’s James Madison Program in American Ideals and Institutions and National Organization for Marriage board chairman, and Dr. Timothy George, dean of Beeson Divinity School at Samford University.

Why did the fellows write the thing? Well, this is interesting. When Colson appeared on former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee’s Fox News show to promote the declaration, Huckabee asked a similar question: “Why do we need something that sort of defines the line in the sand for people of Christendom?”

Colson replied, “Everybody blames the Christians for starting the culture wars. That’s not true, Governor. What really happened is the liberals started to say we are going to take away rights which we’ve had since the founding of this nation, rights which are intrinsic to what makes a good society and a just society, rights which are vital to our Christian faith.”

Yikes. This is also interesting because I’m a liberal, but if I were trying to take away Christians’ rights, none of my siblings would speak to me. Hmmm.

Colson went on to say: “We released a document which is remarkable because it is signed by 150 leaders from the Orthodox church, the Roman Catholic Church and from leaders of the evangelical world, all of us saying three things: We want to affirm the sanctity of human life. … The second thing is the sanctity of the family because the family is the basic building block of any good society historically, and the third thing is, if you continue to assault the family, continue to assault life, continue to assault our liberties, we will ungrudgingly render to Caesar what is Caesar’s, but under no circumstances render to Caesar what is God’s.”

At first I wasn’t sure what Colson was talking about, and it occurred to me that garnering the support of only 150 of the thousands of Christian leaders in the country really isn’t worth a press conference.

But then Huckabee, who was practically squirming out of his seat (was it excitement or an enlarged prostate?), compared the document to one of Christianity’s more momentous — and divisive — occasions: “I can’t remember of anything this significant happening in my lifetime! In fact I’m thinking the posting of the 95 theses on the door at Wittenberg by Martin Luther may be the equivalent, where the community of faith says, ‘This is it. We make a stand.’ This is a bold stand, but what’s unique about this [is] Catholics, Evangelicals, Orthodox coming together. They normally can’t get together for a cup of coffee!”

It’s nice to know Huckabee has a sense of humor, but if you actually read the document, you realize that Colson’s language in the interview is code. What the declaration actually says is that his group is anti-abortion and anti-same-sex marriage (Colson refers to homosexuals as “people with that disorder”), and they want to be able to say and do whatever they believe is in keeping with their faith, regardless of the law and the consequences — although they indicate they are willing to suffer the consequences of their actions if there are any. This is old news, but they are darn adamant: “We will not comply with any edict that purports to compel our institutions to participate in abortions, embryo-destructive research, assisted suicide and euthanasia, or any other anti-life act; nor will we bend to any rule purporting to force us to bless immoral sexual partnerships, treat them as marriage or the equivalent, or refrain from proclaiming the truth, as we know it, about morality and immorality and marriage and the family.”

Yep, old news — and my understanding of the U.S. Constitution is that these folks already have the rights they are demanding and no one’s trying to take them away. Of course, if you don’t want to perform an abortion or dispense birth control, it would be wise not to accept a job with those responsibilities. And if you own commercial property that is rented to the public for special events such as weddings, expect to be held to the same standards as any other commercial property owner — even if you are a church. But other than that, you can practice your faith as you see fit and you can certainly declare most anything you want.

So, why the 4,700-word prayer for deliverance from evil’s with which they are not afflicted — a preemptive attack, paranoia, everyone else is holding press conferences for non-news idiocy, so why not?

I dunno, but it is kind of interesting, although I would never have heard of the manifesto had I not been on the email lists of several extremist groups that keep me much better informed than is comfortable. As of one week post-press conference, a Google News search of the declaration produced less than 200 hits, but a Web search produced 697,000. And the declaration’s promoters, who are asking “believers and non-believers” to lend their names to the electronic document, have managed to reel in 180,000 signatures — not stupendous, but not bad. However, I am embarrassed to admit that one of the signatures is mine — using the pseudonym “Ido Notagree.” I wonder if they’ll condemn me to hell for this? Or maybe they’ll take a kinder approach and just pray for my wanton soul, which would be okay, as I figure I can use all the prayers I can get. I don’t care whose invisible friend hears them.

Love,
K-B

The Preamble and the Declaration are below, but beware the Preamble: The fellows’ take on Christianity’s history is an adept whitewashing of the church and its faithfuls’ atrocities, tyrannies, denials of religious liberty to non-Christians and the wrong kind of Christians, and rejections of the sanctity of life — with a single-phrase nod: “While fully acknowledging the imperfections and shortcomings of Christian institutions and communities in all ages…” Regardless, you might consider checking out the whole enchilada.

Preamble

Christians are heirs of a 2,000-year tradition of proclaiming God’s word, seeking justice in our societies, resisting tyranny, and reaching out with compassion to the poor, oppressed and suffering.

While fully acknowledging the imperfections and shortcomings of Christian institutions and communities in all ages, we claim the heritage of those Christians who defended innocent life by rescuing discarded babies from trash heaps in Roman cities and publicly denouncing the Empire’s sanctioning of infanticide. We remember with reverence those believers who sacrificed their lives by remaining in Roman cities to tend the sick and dying during the plagues, and who died bravely in the coliseums rather than deny their Lord.

After the barbarian tribes overran Europe, Christian monasteries preserved not only the Bible but also the literature and art of Western culture. It was Christians who combated the evil of slavery: Papal edicts in the 16^th and 17^th centuries decried the practice of slavery and first excommunicated anyone involved in the slave trade; evangelical Christians in England, led by John Wesley and William Wilberforce, put an end to the slave trade in that country. Christians under Wilberforce’s leadership also formed hundreds of societies for helping the poor, the imprisoned, and child laborers chained to machines.

In Europe, Christians challenged the divine claims of kings and successfully fought to establish the rule of law and balance of governmental powers, which made modern democracy possible. And in America, Christian women stood at the vanguard of the suffrage movement. The great civil rights crusades of the 1950s and 60s were led by Christians claiming the Scriptures and asserting the glory of the image of God in every human being regardless of race, religion, age or class.

This same devotion to human dignity has led Christians in the last decade to work to end the dehumanizing scourge of human trafficking and sexual slavery, bring compassionate care to AIDS sufferers in Africa, and assist in a myriad of other human rights causes – from providing clean water in developing nations to providing homes for tens of thousands of children orphaned by war, disease and gender discrimination.

Like those who have gone before us in the faith, Christians today are called to proclaim the Gospel of costly grace, to protect the intrinsic dignity of the human person and to stand for the common good. In being true to its own calling, the call to discipleship, the church through service to others can make a profound contribution to the public good.

Declaration

We, as Orthodox, Catholic, and Evangelical Christians, have gathered, beginning in New York on September 28, 2009, to make the following declaration, which we sign as individuals, not on behalf of our organizations, but speaking to and from our communities. We act together in obedience to the one true God, the triune God of holiness and love, who has laid total claim on our lives and by that claim calls us with believers in all ages and all nations to seek and defend the good of all who bear his image. We set forth this declaration in light of the truth that is grounded in Holy Scripture, in natural human reason (which is itself, in our view, the gift of a beneficent God), and in the very nature of the human person. We call upon all people of goodwill, believers and non-believers alike, to consider carefully and reflect critically on the issues we here address as we, with St. Paul, commend this appeal to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God.

While the whole scope of Christian moral concern, including a special concern for the poor and vulnerable, claims our attention, we are especially troubled that in our nation today the lives of the unborn, the disabled, and the elderly are severely threatened; that the institution of marriage, already buffeted by promiscuity, infidelity and divorce, is in jeopardy of being redefined to accommodate fashionable ideologies; that freedom of religion and the rights of conscience are gravely jeopardized by those who would use the instruments of coercion to compel persons of faith to compromise their deepest convictions.

Because the sanctity of human life, the dignity of marriage as a union of husband and wife, and the freedom of conscience and religion are foundational principles of justice and the common good, we are compelled by our Christian faith to speak and act in their defense. In this declaration we affirm: 1) the profound, inherent, and equal dignity of every human being as a creature fashioned in the very image of God, possessing inherent rights of equal dignity and life; 2) marriage as a conjugal union of man and woman, ordained by God from the creation, and historically understood by believers and non-believers alike, to be the most basic institution in society and; 3) religious liberty, which is grounded in the character of God, the example of Christ, and the inherent freedom and dignity of human beings created in the divine image.

We are Christians who have joined together across historic lines of ecclesial differences to affirm our right — and, more importantly, to embrace our obligation — to speak and act in defense of these truths. We pledge to each other, and to our fellow believers, that no power on earth, be it cultural or political, will intimidate us into silence or acquiescence. It is our duty to proclaim the Gospel of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in its fullness, both in season and out of season. May God help us not to fail in that duty.

Read more here.

Prayers for Bobby

Based on a true story, Prayers for Bobby portrays the Griffith family’s struggle to adjust to a gay teen son, Bobby, amid his mother’s belief that God will “cure” him. For Bobby, suicide is the resolution; for his mother, finding faith in unconditional love is the cure.

Prayers for Bobby might enlighten parents who believe God condemns their homosexual children — and it could save a child’s life. MAMMA says give unconditional love a chance.

The book is available in paperback and the movie, currently unavailable for purchase, can be seen on youtube.com, in nine segments.

Learn more about the story at Lifetime.com.

And, thanks to MAMMA Kim for the heads up.

Dear Readers,

I am pleased to introduce a new contributor to Excuse Me, I’m Writing: Brother Mitch from Fireside Chats’ KGAP — not Satan’s store but God’s agape love! — the hometown station of Fallbrook the Friendly Christian Village.

Perhaps an alter ego, a fanciful twin brother, a resurrection of innocent faith, I’m not sure what, but Brother Mitch will be providing occasional commentary on our little town and beyond, rendered with his loving wisdom and pointed wit. Kind of like receiving a blessing, a hug and poke with a sharp stick all rolled into one. … Er, whatever. … Enjoy!

Love,
K-B

Friends of Marriage, Take Heed!

It is with deep sorrow — but also with God’s abiding love and hope — that I’d like to chat with you, my Brothers and Sisters, about Brian Brown, executive director of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM).

For those of you unfamiliar with the man, Brother Brian has made a controversial career of preaching from the mountaintop that marriage needs protecting.

“From what?” you might ask — and well you should.

According to Brother Brian, we must protect marriage from homosexuals whom he fears will be the death knell of the hallowed institution.

And just how are homosexuals going to rend the sacred commitment of marriage from the prayerful hands of heterosexuals?

According to Brother Brian and NOM, “Marriage is under assault! Marriage is under assault!! Marriage is under assault!!!”

My, oh my, oh my! One would think from Brother Brian’s cultish rhetoric that gays must be conducting a malevolent campaign to prevent heterosexuals from being married; that homosexuals are buying up all the wedding gowns and tuxedos for their cross-dressing parties; that they are barring entry to all the places of worship and rituals, all the perfect sunset beaches and the VFW halls, for their female impersonator AIDS fund-raisers; that they are hording all the flower arrangements and tulle for their own perverse use — and God knows where the Jordan almonds are ending up!

But, because common sense prevails, we must acknowledge, Brothers and Sisters, that such a scenario is idiotic — if for no other reason than that the bridal industry is not about to give up the huge segment of their market represented by heteros.

Well then, if homosexuals are not bent on destroying the heterosexual dedication to gift registries, honeymoon packages, and the inevitable second guessing — lying there the next morning snoring, halitosic drool pooling on the sheets — then we must pursue our query: Just how are homosexuals going to rend the sacred commitment of marriage from the prayerful hands of heterosexuals?

And it is at this point that Brother Brian resorts to reasoning that is shady at best. But, of course, Brothers and Sisters, he is counting on you, on your generosity of spirit, your wish to lend credence to a Brother, your inclination to let others think through the tough issues for you — come on, admit it, Dear Ones — yes, Brother Brian is counting on you to let his Orwellian logic slip by unnoticed, unchallenged.

Hence, our little chat.

First, let’s take care of a quick point: Brother Brian’s parent-baiting tactic. He warns that children will be taught about homosexuality in our schools.

Well, Jesus, Mary and Joseph! They are already learning about homosexuality — on TV, on the playground, from the furtive body language their parents reveal when encountering a homosexual. Better they should learn the facts in school, don’t you think, Brothers and Sisters? Say amen!

And, compared to the supposed biblical lesson likely perpetrated on the children of misguided “Friends of Marriage” — that homosexuals are an abomination — whose children do you think will turn out the more loving and accepting, the more true to Christian ideals? Those who are normalized to homosexuals’ natural existence or those who are taught to fear and revile them?

Next, consider a few of NOM’s “Marriage Talking Points.”

Gays and Lesbians have a right to live as they choose; they don’t have a right to redefine marriage for the rest of us. … The people of this state [will] lose their right to define marriage as the union of a husband and a wife. … That’s just not right.

Nor is it accurate. Contemplate the above statement, Brothers and Sisters, and find the wisdom so artfully excluded: Heterosexuals will still define their marriages as being between a man and a woman. Legalized same-sex marriage does not bear with it a conversion clause that all straights must go gay. (Besides, with the struggling economy, the homosexual recruiters are out of toaster ovens.) Legalizing same-sex marriage simply allows gays to accurately define their own marriages, while straights continue in happily hetero bliss (or divorce courts). But seriously, now, Brother Brian and his Newspeakers should not be so silly as to suggest that straight and gay marriages cannot cheerily coexist, because, in essence, they do. Say amen!

Next…

If courts rule that same-sex marriage is a civil right, then people like you and me who believe children need moms and dads will be treated like bigots and racists.

I have accepted the holy burden of speaking God’s truth on this issue, so, although it pains me to say it, it must be said: Brother Brian and his “opposite-sex marriage” marauders are indeed bigots. And God knows that gay marriage does not put heterosexuals’ parenthood at risk; only their ungodly behavior does that. However, in the spirit of tolerance and love, let me try to temper that reaction with this: In our great United States, Brother Brian and his “traditional marriage” cult have every right to be bigots, and we will continue to love them despite themselves — as we pray for their salvation from the sins of discrimination. Say amen, Brothers and Sisters!

They do not, however, have the right to force the rest of us to join in their idolatrous bigotry. Try as they do, they cannot force the entire nation to kneel before the false god of “Marriage and Religious Liberty” they have so cleverly sculpted with words and hate and Beelzebub’s wily ways.

No, indeed, Brother Brian — and I pray you are listening. Leading your followers to vote away the rights of a class of people in the name of “Religious Liberty” is a thing of the Devil! Encouraging the fearful to celebrate their prejudice — presumably in God’s name! — is downright satanic, Brother Brian, satanic! And I fear for your soul. You are slip-sliding toward Hell in a bigot basket, straight toward Hell. The Evil One’s snaky tail is wrapping around your troubled heart and pulling tight. He has tempted you with the sinister lust for advantage, the craving for power, and you have succumbed as he pulls even tighter! Your soul is at risk of an eternity of fiery damnation, Brother Brian. Repent before it’s too late! You must drop to your knees and pray to God. Pray for God to exorcize the demons from your heart. Pray for God’s great and abundant forgiveness for the sins you have perpetrated on the voters of Maine and California, New Jersey and New York, Delaware and Washington, D.C. Throw yourself before God’s merciful heart and thank Jesus for suffering your bigoted sins. Repent, Brother Brian, repent before Satan’s snaky tail has an unbreakable grip on your soul and you are lost to his hellfires forever! …

Yes, well, Brothers and Sisters, I am sure you can understand the need to bathe Brother Brian and his hornswaggled disciples in the truth and the light. There is no other way to save them.

Although — and I admit this because I remain only an imperfect child of God — it would be so much easier if the poor boy would get caught with his drawers down, figuratively speaking, of course. Come to think of it, the revelation of a spanking fetish would be so, so delicious! Say amen!

With love, your Brother in Christ,
Brother Mitch

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

That socialist, Marxist, communist, illegal-alien President Barack Obama gave a speech to the pure and vulnerable innocents of our nation Tuesday.

Now, put your head on your knees and take slow, deep breaths. It is really important that you are able to read on. …

This liberal invader broke and entered the sanctity of our dear ones’ apolitical and parents’-rights-respecting K-through-12 classrooms via television to misspend our tax dollars on spreading his socialist ideology to our impressionable babes.

This is a bad thing, a bad, bad thing. I know this because all the experts on Obama’s true despicable character say it is so. But just to make sure, I reviewed his speech and oh dear sweet Baby Jesus! It is a thing of evil — cosmic, pernicious evil! And to help out those of you who don’t understand just how malevolent the Antichrist Obama is, I’ve taken the liberty of extracting the essence of his speech and analyzing it for you.

Beware, though, what follows is not for the young, the weak hearted, those whose faith is infirm. In fact, you might want to say a prayer to God right now — drop to your knees and ask God to just lay down His protective filter between the Obamanable words and your blessed eyes, lest the Evil One insinuate his sinister propaganda into your God-loving heart. Then fetch your Holy Bible and hold it tightly while you read. Or maybe balance it on your head?

And just one more thing before we begin: I want to ask that you join me in thanking God’s great warriors who risk their souls for us, day in and day out, against the liberal hordes, who shine God’s understanding and insightful light on the messages that the Obama Beast would have us believe are only words of wise encouragement, when they are, in fact, a sign of Hitler’s struggle reborn. Yes, God, please heap Your blessings upon our heroic defenders. Among them, the following:

Brannon Howse, of Worldview Times

La Mesa-Spring Valley, California, School Board Trustee Rick Winett

Jim Greer, chairman of the Florida Republican Party

VisionRevisted.com’s Mel Sanger

David S. Turndick at ResistNet.com

Oklahoma State Senator Steve Russell

The good folks at Today’s Obamanation

The anonymous author of the well-researched Christian Coalition blog post

And there are countless others — God knows who these saints are. Our prayers and blessings are with them all. Say amen!

Now, let me tell you, the Chairman Mao-bama reveals his beastly underbelly not more than three paragraphs into his speech, when he blatantly acknowledges his foreign education in a godless country:

When I was young, my family lived overseas. I lived in Indonesia for a few years. And my mother, she didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school.

Dear God, protect us from the mere imagining of what despicable anti-American filth filled the young boy’s heart and soul, turning him into the Arab terrorist-lover he is today. We don’t have to read the particulars; it’s enough that we know it is so — and it only gets worse from here. The white man-hating racist tries to usurp our authority over our precious offspring:

I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and you get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with the Xbox.

Right there, now that’s a direct assault on our constitutional right to parent our God-given children as we see fit. We don’t need any foreign-born globalist to tell us how our natural-born kids should be spending their time. And Gamepraise.com has plenty of Bible-teaching games for Xbox, anyway. But we’ll need more than the Bible to vanquish the insidious clutches of his evildoer smut. He actually tries to urge our young ones into the radical lifestyle of the leftwing media liars and liberal elite:

Maybe you could be a great writer — maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper…

Yes, the Obamanation’s intentions are as clear as Christ’s suffering for us on the cross: He wants to indoctrinate our children into one world order of think-alike, anti-morality, God-hating, homo-loving, humanist soldiers for Satan:

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical-thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy.

And to top it off, he wants our own children to become part of his healthcare reform death squads for seniors:

We need every single one of you to develop your talents and your skills and your intellect so you can help us old folks solve our most difficult problems.

Oh, yes, we know what problem he’s spewing about, with his evil bile. It’s that little problem of the true patriots who are in his way, giving their lives to fight against the one world order he and the Devil’s imps are devising with all the Jews and the Muslims and the atheists and the pinko revolutionaries and the demon technocrats who steal our personal information every time we swipe a credit card or use an ATM. The Obaminator wants our own children to overthrow us:

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best. It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and they founded this nation. Young people. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google and Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.

And if this doesn’t convince you, just take a look at his conclusion:

Thank you very much, everybody. God bless you. God bless America. Thank you.

I pray to God you just play the audio of this final sentence backward — it’s not what you think. He’s actually chanting, “God is dead, 666, God is dead, 666, God is dead, 666!”

So beware, true believer, the end times are near — see for yourself!

Love,
K-B

©2009 Kit-Bacon Gressitt

From Eileen G., many moons ago

The fundamental difference between men and women is not what’s between the legs but what’s between the ears.

On a church billboard

Happiness is the byproduct of obedience.

From Village European Auto

Customer 1: I like the Obama and No on Prop. 8 bumper stickers on that GMC. Liberals are few and far between in Fallbrook.
Customer 2: Not few and far between enough!

A belly dancer at Heritage Hall

I must be veil impaired!

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Warm, woolen wrappings hung from the coat racks in the church of my youth. In the hallway, outside the room where families gathered to praise God and pass an abundance of homemade delicacies on wintry Sunday evenings, I would play a game. Escaping from the big people whose hands I had to shake firmly because my mother said so, I would hide among the weighty coats, weaving between the tweeds, the camel hairs, the felted cloaks, exploring hidden treasures in pockets, breathing the scent of sheep’s wool damp with winter rain, the huge leather gloves, rabbit-soft on the inside. I would settle on the warmest coat with the best smell and reach up into it. Then God would wrap her arms around me, and there we would whisper secrets to each other until one or another of my siblings tracked us down to fetch us for the meal.

It was a church I knew as well as my own bedroom: a place to run and play and sing, a place where I knew the love of God, a place where I could always find her when I needed her.

Then we moved to a new state and a new church, and God of course moved with us. She made herself at home in the larger sanctuary, the lighter pews, the heavenly choir loft and the organ’s pipes that gave reed to seemly Southern Baptist hymns. Together we sang words of joy and adoration for each other.

And then one day, as my aunt circled the church looking for a parking space, she asked Sweet Baby Jesus to find us one. I wondered at the request, sure there were more important prayers for him to answer.

And then on a runaway adventure to the West, my brother reported finding Jesus. Unaware he’d been lost, I was grateful that all was well, but unhappy to be informed that I was going to hell because I had not also found Jesus, because I’d not invited him into my heart. I questioned the accuracy of my bother’s prophecy, though, because God and I were already in each other’s hearts — and why would Jesus relegate me to eternal and fiery damnation simply for failing to put him on an invitation list?

And then, when I carried my child in one arm and in the other a sign that said to keep abortion safe and legal, women clutching Bibles to their breasts screamed foul things, calling me an evil baby killer, shrieking that God knew I was an unfit mother. I cradled my child and whispered gentle secrets to her, that different people understand God in different ways, but that God does not scream at people, that she loves all of us — even the women who were so unloving.

And then Pat Robertson proclaimed that God belonged not only in our hearts and in our churches, but also in the White House. I suspected it was up to the president to decide when to have God over to help and when to do the best he could with the gifts she gave him. The president agreed.

But then the next president claimed God was indeed in the White House, and dropped her name every chance he got. Except, I couldn’t find her face among the mostly white men who proclaimed God’s co-sponsorship of their bills and battles. Although they intoned her name, she did not attend their ritual signings, nor lend her name to their memos endorsing torturous retribution. No, she was not there.

And then I realized how much I missed the church of my youth, the believers who carried their politics to the polls and God’s love in their hearts. I wanted to find them again, and I searched. But at the first church and the second and the third, the cars bore bumper stickers that did not speak of God, but of the foolishness of saving God’s trees and animals, the treason of those who prayed for peace, the stupidity of reproductive rights, the abomination of the wrong kind of marriage, the condemnation of all but the passengers in those vehicles on that parking lot of that creed. There was no parking there for me.

So now it is no surprise that the percentage of people who disclaim religion has increased from 8.2 percent in 1990 to 15 percent in 2008 (see the 2008 American Religious Identification Survey, released last week).

I bet, though, if we could find the right coat rack, God — who would not favor one nation over another, one political party over another, one gender or race or orientation or faith over another — would join those of us who don’t have a place in the parking lot, and she would embrace us in the warm, woolen wrappings of my youth.

Love,
K-B

©2009 Kit-Bacon Gressitt

(Photo of Hilltop Church, Mendham, N.J., the church of my youth, from the Library of Congress’ Historical American Buildings Survey.)

05 February 2009

Bumper sticker at the Fallbrook Post Office

God is just pretend

Overheard at Trupiano’s

There’s a massage parlor right across from the Vista courthouse. I see the gals hanging outside, smoking. I think they do massages with a happy ending.

It’s a plot

Editor: Sentimentality and cowardice are the only things keeping me at this publishing house.
Writer: Sounds like my marriage.

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