To Vice President Mike Pence: There’s Hope for Homophobes!

By Kit-Bacon Gressitt

Note: Originally publish in 2010 by San Diego Gay and Lesbian News, this piece warrants a revisit in light of the current kerfuffle over Vice President Mike Pence’s presence at the nicely inclusive 2018 Winter Olympics, despite his persistent homophobia and his suspected support of conversion therapy. I hope the VP comes to know the healing love of the LGBTQ community, once he surrenders his fear and hate.

Thinking of Leaving Homophobia? Change Is Possible!

 

Welcome! Chances are you’ve come here looking for answers to a heart-wrenching but hidden epidemic — the devastation of Unwanted Homophobia.

Well, you’ve come to the right place! We have culled the best of the homophobia treatment programs — such stellar offerings as the former Exodus International* and International Healing Foundation — to create an exceptionally successful, caring and humane hybrid program for Unwanted Homophobia, the Exodus Healing Foundation.

homophobiaHere, you will find healing solutions for men and women with Unwanted Homophobia (UH). You will find hope and understanding for parents and loved ones. And you will find training and treatment materials for UH therapists and ministry leaders.

You are not condemned to a life of fear and hate. The Exodus Healing Foundation offers you the promise and hope of an open heart and an open mind!

So don’t give up, don’t surrender to fear and hate! Change is possible! Read on — and visit our Healing Store!

Men and Women with Unwanted Homophobia

If you struggle with Unwanted Homophobia, you have probably known the fear that every encounter with a gay or lesbian could expose you to the risk of catching homosexuality. You have probably been frightened that teachers and scout leaders are indoctrinating your children into the homosexual lifestyle. You are probably terrified that homosexuals will somehow take away your rights — your right to marry someone of the opposite sex, your right to practice your faith, your right to bake wedding cakes, your right to be the heterosexual you were born to be.

You know these irrational feelings are unfounded, but you just cannot seem to stop the fear from overpowering your better senses. Right? Well, there is hope! God’s abiding grace is available to every one of Her children who seeks Her healing love and acceptance.

If you are reading this, then you have already bravely taken the first step on a healing path of hope for change toward a therapeutic protocol that will answer your questions and offer genuine transformation — an end to Unwanted Homophobia!

The bottom line is you do not have to be homophobic!

The journey to wholeness isn’t an easy one — giving up fear and hate can only be done one day at a time — but we will be with you every step of the way. Our international network of UH ministries and therapists is devoted to providing the compassion and care you need as you pursue God’s love, holiness and healing. And just a quick visit to our Healing Store will give you the comfort of knowing there are many affordable tools for saving you from the devastating horrors of Unwanted Homophobia.

A note on finding a UH counselor: It is vital that you receive professional counseling from a trained specialist in this complex area. All Exodus Healing Foundation counselors are certified by the Exodus Healing Foundation as experts in UH Therapy — because no one else does it like we do!

Parents and Loved Ones of Homophobes

Discovering that your child or other loved one is affected by Unwanted Homophobia is the heartbreaking beginning of a long and difficult journey to recovery. Countless questions and uncertainties arise as you struggle to understand the fear and hatred that have stolen your loved one’s sense of self and wellbeing.

Well, you have landed in the right place, because the Exodus Healing Foundation has the resources you need to help support your loved one on his or her path to healing.

This is a safe place for you to learn about the weaknesses and poor choices that lead to UH and how to deal with UH at school, places of worship and at work. Here, you will find the comfort of knowing that your loved one can be saved from the unspeakable heartache of Unwanted Homophobia.

Therapists and Ministry Leaders

Unwanted Homophobia is a crisis of global proportions! Navigating the journey toward healing UH can be an incredibly overwhelming proposition for a therapist or spiritual counselor. The Exodus Healing Foundation has led the way in helping people find freedom from UH through the power of God for over 20 years, and we can teach you to do the same. Just a quick visit to our Healing Store will provide you a bounty of resources that will speed your Unwanted Homophobia Counselor certification and help start your Unwanted Homophobia Practice — and swiftly guide your practice into godly profitability.

Exodus Healing Foundation’s Unwanted Homophobia therapeutic protocols address:

Discovering the root causes of homophobia:

Childhood failure to properly identify with the same-sex parent
Repeated ridicule by homophobic bullies
Rejection of one’s own sexuality
Over-exposure to homophobes — homophobic politicians, spiritual leaders, talk show hosts, pseudo pundits, organizations and misguided loved ones

Tools for developing healthy, healing same-sex relationships:

Same-sex parlor games
Same-sex contact sports
Same-sex pub crawls
Same-sex gallery openings
Same-sex massages, manicures and facials
Same-sex shopping
Same-sex Homophobes Anonymous

Techniques for healing homo-social and homo-emotional wounds:

homophobia Mike PenceSBUH! (Snap Back from Unwanted Homophobia): Aversion therapy works! When your client begins to feel the creeping fear of Unwanted Homophobia, a quick snap of a rubber band on his or her inner wrist will sting like the dickens, giving your client a shocking reminder to Snap Back from the painful fear and hatred of Unwanted Homophobia. This protocol package includes 100 extra-tight Snap Back Bands for maximum stingage.

homophobia Mike PenceHUHA! (Hug Unwanted Homophobia Away): What better way to stop the fear and hatred of Unwanted Homophobia dead in its tracks than to have a big old adult crawl into a therapist or spiritual counselor’s lap for huggie bears and back rubs! This protocol package includes point-by-point instructions for 12 non-sexual huggie bear positions, with diagrams, and 12 codpieces in small, medium and large.

homophobia Mike PencePOUH! (Pound Out Unwanted Homophobia): This bioenergetics protocol releases the homophobia stored in your clients’ muscles. Encourage your clients to redirect their fear and anger, from the nice same-sex couple down the lane to your counseling office seat cushions — as they pound the bejunior out of their homophobia with a tennis racket.

 

Yes, there is hope for homophobes. Abandon your homophobia today—and visit our Healing Store often!

Love,
K-B

Author’s note: The number of referrals this essay has received from All About Counseling indicates that it is necessary to identify the piece as satire. That’s satire, as in, a literary work that holds up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn. Consequently, the contents of this essay should not be considered suggestions for treatment of homophobia, although wouldn’t that be entertaining. More entertaining is that I had to post this note. Jeesh.

 

*Alan Chambers, founder of Exodus International, has been healed—praise the Goddess! Read more here.

Image credits: First image from International Healing Foundation’s website. Rubber band photo by Bill Bumgarner via a Creative Commons license. Hugging image courtesy of Richard Cohen. Bioenergetics image courtesy of CNN.

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5 replies
  1. Kim says:

    So like Exodus International and the International Healing Foundation, even a regular Joe like little ‘ol me, can start up my own Unwanted Homophobia practice! Awesome! I’ve got my credit card ready! One little problem, there was no link to the Healing Store. Please post a link. Let the healing begin!

    Reply
    • kbgressitt says:

      Couldn’t bring myself to post the links to their stores — someone might actually take them seriously and spend hard-earned dinero on their idiocy.

      Reply
  2. Hunt says:

    Dear Heart,

    Thank you for the education. When I first read this, and when I reread it aloud to Robert, we guffawed with gusto, thinking it a very clever spoof…smartly written humor of exageration. Then, on a lark, I clicked on a couple of your links and read such appalling things as an essay explaining how being married can help one in his path to becoming a “homosexual overcomer” (how’s that for a moniker?) and an essay that compares the world wide web to a spider’s web, just waiting to lure me into homosexual porn. I realize that there are a lot of folks out there who honestly believe that homosexuality is wrong and that it is not godly. As long as they do not try to impose their views on others, I can respect that. However, these guys from Exodus, etc. are truly pathologic. Sadly, your essay is no exageration. YUCK!

    Love,
    Hunt

    Reply
    • kbgressitt says:

      Yep, it’s one of those laughing-tears moments. The vast majority of the language in the piece is from the two groups’ webpages, many of which are worse than the excerpts I used. Yucko!.

      Reply
  3. Mike Croghan says:

    Great stuff, K-B. You’ve outdone yourself. Your piece will be forwarded to a vast audience of friends. Well, two or three people. I might include amongst them a guy who graduated high school with me 50 years ago. In an email discussion among several of us, I had asked a question of an email that called for a boycott of a movie that supposedly portrayed Jesus as gay. “What if,” I asked, “we found incontrovertible evidence that He was gay? Would that change your love and regard for Him, turn your back on his teachings?” What I got as reply from this high school chum went something like “Croghan, you faggot asshole!” And then he quoted the Bible! In reply to his reply, I thanked him for sharing his feelings with me and had I known all those years ago – – – Then I reminded him that he and I used to shower together daily after football practice.
    Maybe he’s ready to join EHF!

    Reply