Desperately Seeking —
By Kit-Bacon Gressitt
Reading Internet search terms is as compelling an experience as reading a good novel. I discovered this when my dear, darling website designer did a software thingy I don’t understand, something involving computer magic that captures the search terms that land folks on my site. I will be forever indebted and disconcerted.
The words people type into search engines are varyingly mysterious, obvious, enlightening, funny, sad, perverse, disturbing, frightening and occasionally idiotic. And many of them are just odd enough — or grotesque enough — that I am forced to repeat the search to determine why in the name of whatever the term brought the searcher to my cyber door.
Just last week, an unidentifiable degenerate searched for “7to9 boys/nude.” After learning from the local Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force that there’s not much they can do without an IS address, I added the search to the list I obsessively keep and wondered if, given human history, pedophilia could be a distant point on the natural order spectrum. Then I gnoshed on the satisfying notion of cruel and unusual punishment.
Such extreme examples aside, a public review of incoming searches might be interesting, perhaps entertaining, or maybe it will actually encourage folks to think twice before they google something really stupid. So, for your reading pleasure, here are the first one hundred searches that brought folks to ExcuseMeImWriting.com.
Fallbrook Sunset
1. vibes – domestic violence
2. what do most people do for a living in afghanistan
3. Fallbrook magic mushroom
4. i lift my leafy arms to pray
5. dove bullets
6. fear of feminism
7. victor villasenor and gays
8. kids morning ablutions
9. rural kids barefoot
10. i’m a physician and my hands are killing
11. old insane asylums
12. dirty sex words signs and stickers
13. baby be-bop controversy
14. academics vs athletics
15. tomato in the trees
16. beast – profanity?
17. chuck norris 1
18. chuck norris side view
19. dangerous angels
20. is population a excuse for no healthcare
21. jaghori
22. fears about women turn of the century
23. yes! sticker
24. who do i call to oppose health care reform
25. frankau
26. fotos de trupianos bistro in fallbrook
27. feminism quotes in 2009
28. fight in parking lot
29. attention whore sticker
30. woman beaten at suffrage parade 1913
31. me
32. 1920′s insane asylum texas
33. women’s fear of feminism
34. the mel sanger lies
35. obama is the antichrist
36. Hospice dying
37. fear of feminism
38. why is baby be-bop a bad book
39. san diego poetry readings
40. hospice dying
41. Tillman gressitt
42. Creative rainbow
43. writing about typical morning
44. what do most people do for a job in afghanistan
45. who do i call for health care reform
46. Leftover soap chips
47. chuck norris struck lighting
48. chuck norris tough
49. 2009 for marriage yoga for gamini
50. chuck norris gay
51. Don’t be gaycist
52. Fear of feminism
53. who do you call for help with child care
54. Father’s love
55. baby bop’s tea set margaret
56. fear of feminism equal rights amendment
57. can i work overseas and still get california unemployment
58. “pat robertson” married pregnant girlfriend
59. “sarah palin” and “short skirts”
60. individual and typical qualities of chuck norris
61. who do you call when someone is crazy
62. book store in fallbrook, ca
63. religious medical excuse
64. explain health reform bill
65. “women’s equality day” anti Christian
66. can edd find out that im attending college
67. dying mother
68. woman on toilet seat
69. palin writing ability
70. no jews in fallbrook
71. Reasonable excuses for turning in a late…
72. The nice part of living in a small town
73. Excuse for sending late continued claim form
74. Homily minding your own business
75. Health care reform legislation explain
76. Jaghori afghanistan
77. Fathers accused of child abuse
78. How to get father off child abuse charge
79. How to write an excuse me letter
80. EDD federal extension
81. Excuse me seventeen club free
82. Checked wrong box on California unemployment
83. Have interview with edd for sending form
84. Pictures of young homeless addicts
85. Fallbrook racism
86. Fallbrook the friendly village
87. Child abuse
88. Give heed
89. Homeless trucker gay
90. turn of the century intellectuals
91. Submitting your work to MOMA
92. How to get a judge to excuse parent
93. What do I click on in Word that tells me
94. What do the Afghan people want?
95. Fallbrook girls looking to party
96. Fallbrook mayor
97. Fallbrook lychee fruit
98. Fallbrook youth prevention group
99. Writers Read Fallbrook
100. Ann Coulter evil
If you’re curious, you can copy and paste any of the terms into the search window at the top of this page and see what the search engine picked up. Have fun. …
Love,
K-B
©2010 Kit-Bacon Gressitt
What in the world—wtf—what are ppl thinking? Mindful that there’s much I’m not aware of, there must be connections I’m just not making (you too, huh?). Aside from the pedophilia and whatnot, these are funnn! My husband likes “I’m a physician and my hands are killing” (not killing me but just killing?). “I lift my leafy arms to pray” (not jiggly just leafy?). If I had to zoom in on just one, probably “Can I work overseas and still collect unemployment in Calif.” Sure what the hell why not! In fact, to collect Calif. bucks, one need only be unemployed in the state of Calf., that’s all.
A good amount of interest in Chuck Norris and Afghanistan…hmmm. Now if I was interested in writing and wanted to zoom in on the Fallbrook area, I’d probably type in something like ‘writing +fallbrook ca’ – how unimaginative! Well, so much for thinking of myself as pretty tech savvy… apparently much more to learn. Good thing I haven’t created my own website yet (if ever) – no one would be able to find me!
but i noticed no searches for “small barnyard animals”
I’m not yet convinced thinking is always involved. …
Small barnyard animals are in batch two. Stay tuned. …
Hmmm… me, too. I’m not convinced thinking is part of the search process either. But I’d like to know what Alfred Jarry would have to say about this. Or Zippy the Pinhead.
Hey! I had to look up Alfred Jarry — thanks! What an entertaining and sad character. I imagine he’d have had a hell of a website, had he been born later.
Ok, so while in the neighborhood, I had to do it… googled ‘small barnyard animals’.
The first 3 results took me to Target.com, Amazon.com, then BizRate.com. The 4th result is copy/pasted below:
Small Farm Animals Band is a Boston Based Lithuanian Rock and Blues Band.
http://www.smallfarmanimals.com/ -
There.
Glad to have the opportunity to introduce you two. Odd thing, K-B, while I could easily picture Jarry formulating a web search (how to get from here to…there?), I hadn’t even thought of possibilities for his WEBSITE, ahahah! That’s wonderful—ought to keep me mentally occupied into Thursday at least.
I have a small confession… my dear friend (since we were 20.x & now lives in NY) wrote “Alfred Jarry: The Man With the Axe.” She and I have in common a strong sense of the absurd which has gotten us through much in life so far. Definitely will bring up the idea of pataphysical web design next time one of us phones the other (guaranteed good time). Thanx!
Btw, my previous (googling) msg was left just 1 minute after the one before that (sudden compulsion to find out where small barnyard animals might lead me). But then I left the computer without 1st having clicked Submit. Returned after supper to find it was still here. The fact that you googled Jarry & I did same with small barnyard animals — c’mon, that’s pretty funny all by itself;-P)
Funny indeed, Toni! SBAs don’t need much more than mention to entertain — or horrify. BTW: The pataphysical concept is, hmm, quite a ocncept, eh?
If I’m not mistaken, “pataphysicks” was how Jarry originally spelled it which, I think, made it even more bizarre (& fun). In modern times (present day included), we have Zippy the Pinhead, also a devout pataphysician—a creation of Bill Griffith who, not coincidentally, did the illustrations for “AJ: The Man With the Axe.” Among my recent Zippy faves in a comic strip in which God or the Devil (forgot which!) strikes a deal with Shelf Life.
Having given it a little thought, YES, even SBA’s can go either way (from innocent warmfuzzies to horrifying, yikes). Like most things, eh?! ^o0)^